Validation

Validation

Webster’s defines validate as, “to recognize, establish, or illustrate worthiness or legitimacy.” What does this mean to us as individuals? We often seek validation for a job done well, going above and beyond, or just a simple validation of something we said being proven right. More often than not we seek validation of our emotional needs or feelings. It could be validating a friendship, love for an estranged relative, or romantic feelings for a significant other. Whatever the situation may be, professional or personal, I would venture to say we all stress over or seek validation at some point in our lives.

To keep my “How I Met Your Mother” thread alive, there is an episode that talks about validating one’s self. The episode guest stars Carrie Underwood as a girl who keeps Ted around just to make herself desired, and needed. Or in another phrasing she wanted Ted around to be Validation Man. What is Validation Man you ask? Validation Man is a guy a woman keeps around to make herself feel desired, and to be a stand-in boyfriend without actually being with said man. The group continues to discuss and try to convince Ted that she keeps him on her ‘hook’ with no intention of ever being with him romantically. They all begin to realize they each have someone on their own hooks. As they continue to discuss they nearly all have the same line that keeps these people on their hooks, “not right now.”

I give you this information, because I want you to look at and reflect on yourself. Are you on anyone’s hook, better yet do you have someone on your hook? I’ll answer for myself. I am on someone’s hook. It is odd realizing this, and all I can do is to work to remove myself and move on. Now as for having someone on my hook, I do not believe I have anyone on my hook. If you read this, and I have you on the hook, no hard feelings, feel free to let yourself go.

I think the majority of us look for and long for validation from others. It is a natural emotion to be wanted and to feel needed. Some of us spend years looking for that other heart that makes our own whole. While I understand the want and desire to find that, we do not need to be validated by anyone, but ourselves. It will take some soul searching, but when we reach this conclusion we will have much less worry and stress to deal with.

Here is the thing about validation, why do we feel the need to have someone accept us? If I could answer this, I would probably be making plenty of money with my advice. As it stands, I am not being paid to write these blogs or dispense what I consider to be some solid insight. I believe it comes down to a natural desire to feel a part of something other than ourselves. Whether it be in a relationship or a friendship we need that connection to other souls. We need to remember though there is wrong that can come from this.

What do I mean by this? We don’t need to keep people on our hooks just to make ourselves feel wanted. Coming to the realization that you may be on someone’s hook is not the most delightful feeling. What I realized is I am always going to be second best. There isn’t anything I can do, that I haven’t already tried, to change this person’s mind. Being the backup plan get’s old, so I must finish wasting my time, and start moving forward. I hope you can do the same.

I’m not sure everyone who does this is the same, some may do it just purely for personal satisfaction, and some may think they are saving the other person’s feelings. In reality you are prolonging the inevitable. The longer you keep someone around who thinks more will come from the situation, the more damage you do to that person. You may be ok with this, but if you do enjoy this person on some level, you run the risk of losing them forever.

We can’t help how we feel. I understand that, but we can control how we treat others. If you know or suspect you have someone on the hook, you should clarify the situation and let them off the hook. If you are wondering how you know your feelings are legitimate or not, I’ll reference Ted Mosby one last time. When he is questioned what would make him search high and low for a locket that belonged to Robin, he gives one of the most heartfelt and for me relatable monologues of the entire series. “Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is.”

If you feel like that about anything, a person, your work, family, a hobby you know your feelings are legitimate.  That is not to say you have to be this head over heels to have true feelings, but if you do, you should never question that what you feel is or was real. The caveat? Ted doesn’t immediately end up with Robin, the woman he felt that way about. Sometimes we have to realize that our feelings won’t be validated by anyone but ourselves. It is then that we have to decide whether or not it is time to walk away. We often think if we give up our feelings were never real. I am here to tell you this isn’t true. Sometimes we have to walk away, because simply some things aren’t meant to be. You’ll be happier in the long run if you do; after all Ted fell in love with the mother not too long after this speech about Robin.

To bring it back full circle you don’t need to wait an eternity on someone, and be their plan B. I myself am done being Validation Man. I don’t care to be a friend and help someone through a rough time, but I will no longer play the role of a temporary fill-in boyfriend, friend, whatever the situation calls for. I am worth more, and so are you. Remember we deserve to be someone’s priority not their last resort.

 

With Love

M. Coty Myers

Inspiration: Kelly

Inspiration

 

My Inspiration

Inspiration can come from anywhere. It can be divine intervention, a teacher who touches your heart, a song lyric, inspiration can come from anywhere. Most spiritual people will say inspiration is Heaven sent or something to that effect. I couldn’t agree more, and we all receive inspiration at different times from many different things. I want to take some time tonight, to talk about one of the, if not the biggest inspiration of my life thus far. Mine was a young woman who embodied what it meant to live, to fight, and to give love freely.

Kelly Harty, I only knew a fraction of the time I have spent on this Earth, but since she won her fight and traveled home, not a day goes by when she doesn’t come to mind. I met Kelly before she even knew who I was. I was at EKU working for Campus Rec when Kelly and 2 of her sorority sisters walked into one of our gyms. I scanned her student ID, and made it a point to remember her name. While watching that small gym while her and her sisters were in there, I couldn’t help but notice her infectious smile and how she had so much joy. I asked a friend who was also a Chi Omega, about her. My friend got back to me and let me know she was freshman, and other information. I never saw Kelly again, until to my surprise we hired her at Campus Rec. Kelly was always quick to make me smile or challenge wits, and just make mine or anyone’s day better.

Fast forward and it’s spring semester and Kelly has a spot removed from her knee, says it’s no big deal. Kelly went home to New Jersey that summer, and I was giddy for her return when we returned in August for staff training. Kelly was noticeably absent one morning and I talked to Beth Keith, who told me what Kelly had found out the day before. Kelly had learned of her diagnosis. My heart sank, and I have often wondered how she must have felt in that moment. I don’t know, but the next time I saw her you would have never known anything was wrong. I saw her jeep outside the gym and made a mad dash inside. Without really looking I ran into Beth’s office and said, “IS KELLY, OH KELLY IT IS YOU!” I was so excited she might be there in haste I didn’t check my surroundings to see she was right there. It was a funny moment.

Kelly’s prognosis wasn’t the best to put it mildly, but she was determined to kick cancer’s butt, and man did she. She never wavered, I don’t think she ever doubted even for a moment she would win this battle, and just saw it as another obstacle to overcome. She had to make trips to hospitals all over, and she stayed in school, and kept working, it was mind blowing what this young woman could do. Nothing could slow her down; much less stop her from achieving her goals. She finished her degree and graduated on time. This was a real wake up for me.

The first time I saw Kelly, I was in what I would later coin as my first senior year. I stayed at EKU for another 4 years, and had yet to graduate. I moved back to my home in January 2011 feeling defeated from not completing my degree. Things in life seem so small compared to others. I still spoke to Kelly on facebook, an occasional text, or when I randomly popped up at my old home the Campus Rec gym. I missed many folks from Campus Rec, but the one I missed the most was Kelly. We just clicked, and I’ve come to learn, it wasn’t a special thing for just me. It was special, because that’s who Kelly was. Everyone who met and got to know Kelly say the same things, it was like a sister or best friend they had all their life’s except they had only known her a month, or whatever short amount of time it was. That’s just who Kelly was, she loved everyone with all her heart. One of my biggest regrets was not making more of an effort to stay close with Kelly the last year or so, we can’t go back in life, and I use it as a reminder to tell the one’s closest to me how much they mean to me.

I returned to the academic life in the Fall 2012 semester, and I was still not the best student. January 4^th came, and I wished Kelly a Happy Birthday, I saw her status on facebook in February about watching the Oscar’s. Then I was preparing to go see George Strait on Saturday March 2^nd 2013. My phone rings, and it’s from my old boss Beth. I answer, and Beth is crying, I was trying to console her, and I didn’t even know what for, and then Beth said I wanted to call and tell you, Kelly isn’t with us anymore. I don’t know if I had ever felt emptier before or since. I have lost distant relatives, acquaintances and old friends I had nearly lost complete contact with, but I just couldn’t believe it with Kelly. Kelly the fighter, I knew she was going to win and be with us forever. She was the first person I was truly close to, to leave us, and so it was a new experience.

As much as my heart ached, I couldn’t really believe it. I was unable to make it to the memorial service they had in Richmond with her Chi Omega’s sisters and her beloved KA Boys. Then one night in April, I listened to “Forever Young” sang by Joan Baez, and I sobbed like a young child, but it was a good moment. Now I listen to that song 2 or 3 times a week and smile, I will always remember Kelly and I will always associate that song with her.

Back to inspiration though, Kelly inspired everyone she ever met. It seemed people all over the country and world were touched somehow by this young woman so full of life and love. At the end of spring semester in May 2013 there was a Celebration of Life ceremony for Kelly on campus. I was able to make it. I saw all my old friends and bosses from campus rec, and I felt almost whole again. Kelly brought me back to the people who had become my second family for many years. When we entered the auditorium, although it was somber, it was also refreshing. With all the pictures and stories, I fully felt Kelly was there with us and my heart was full once again. At the end of the ceremony there was plaque dedicated to Kelly on the recreation fields. A great spot for the girl who loved to have fun and enjoyed cheering on her Chi O’s and KA’s on the fields.

Several of us went to catch up and celebrate Kelly after the ceremony that night, May 5, Cinco de Mayo! We were in the mood for Mexican, so it was a long wait, but it was good to catch up. One of my old bosses, Mark Howard, asked me how everything was going, and I told him I was attending school again, and was going to graduate in December. He asked me what had made me go back and graduate, and I just smiled. I said, “The reason was today Mark. Kelly inspired me to go back and finish. If she can graduate with all she endured, I have nothing holding me back, besides myself.” Mark said very cool man, I’m happy for you.

A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of Kelly, I keep a picture from her celebration service in my room to see every day. I don’t really need it, I can still close my eyes and see her, and I hope I always can. Words cannot always do someone justice and are never enough. However in the summer of 2014, Stuart Scott at the ESPY’s said some words that could not more perfectly fit Kelly’s fight. He said, “When you die, that does not mean you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live. So live, live, fight like hell. And when you get too tired, lie down, rest and let someone else fight for you.”

I try to live my life the best that I can, and I want to achieve so many things, because that is what Kelly would want. I want to live a great life, because Kelly lived the fullest life anyone could in 23 years, and she exemplified what it means to live, to fight, and to love with everything we have inside of us. Synovial Cell Sarcoma, is not a widely known form of cancer, but Kelly raised its profile tremendously. If you read this take a moment and donate to the research fund, find an article about it and share, we need to continue to raise awareness.

Anyone who says that when you leave this Earth that you lose never met Kelly. Kelly kicked cancer’s butt, and kicked it hard. She WON! She is just continuing the battle from her Heavenly home now. We will fight for you on Earth now Kelly. So here is to my inspiration a true Southern Belle, from New Jersey, I miss and love you more every day, and I hope you stay forever young.

With Love

M. Coty Myers

Kelly Cheering on her KA’s