We All Need Someone There

I started this piece back in September, and took a leave from writing. I am back now, and figured this piece was as good as any to start back with. It is is partially inspired by the Wonder Years, but mainly from a conversation with a dear friend. My hope is to bring you new  content at least once a week. I would very much appreciate your feedback and suggestions for new pieces or improvement. Thank you everyone and Happy New Year!

 

We All Need Someone There

 

When discussing with a friend recently about a tough time her significant other was experiencing she said something I found so basic yet profound at the same time.  Before we get there a little context first; Her and the aforementioned significant other had a 2 to 3 hour phone call, but she said there was only maybe 20 to 30 minutes of actual talking, it was mainly just silence. Back to her thought that hit me hard, it was, “I guess we all just need somebody to be there sometimes.” That put this idea in my head about a month ago. Then in the past week I was watching some videos of ‘The Wonder Years’ cast in recent years giving interviews. (Side note if you read me regularly you know my love of the Wonder Years, if not read some of my older stuff.) Most of the clips had the 3 main characters, Kevin, Winnie, and Paul (Fred Savage, Danica McKellar, Josh Saviano) discussing their experiences of life and the show. One in particular was a town hall type interview in an auditorium. The host posed the question, “you all three were going through similar life events and struggles growing up off screen, did you lean on each other for support?” Fred Savage (Kevin) answered first, “I mean we were friends, and I’m sure we discussed those things. I think more than anything we were just there for each other just because we were there, and that brought me a lot of comfort.”

That lays the concept of my thoughts for this piece. Even though it seems so basic, isn’t it still profoundly basic and true that ultimately sometimes we all just need someone there, to honestly just be there. Whether it’s providing advice, being a shoulder to cry on, or just listening to someone express their frustrations, we all need someone there sometimes. People often look back to their past and think they don’t have friends like they did when they were children. I think we fail to realize the obligations of adult life. For those of us who have those close friends you see and talk to nearly every day, you need to realize the gift you have. For most of us I feel we don’t have that in our adult lives. It’s not a bad thing though, and it doesn’t mean we don’t have those close friends either. The realities of adulthood between full-time jobs, families, and other commitments limits the time we have to share with our friends. Because of these realities, I believe that is why so many become such great friends and close to co-workers, they are simply just there every day.

Getting back to the point of looking back to our youth as a measuring stick of our friendships, at these young ages we are thrown in with countless others, and we grow together. In school we are just simply there every day. That is why so often we look back and think we never have friends like the ones we had in our youth. However, if we pause for a minute and really take stock of our current friendships it isn’t about daily interaction, but the quality of the time we have with the ones closest to us. We all have those friends we don’t see for four or five years and for the couple of hours or days we do spend with them, it’s like no time has passed. That is how friendship works in our adult lives. Beyond that we still communicate with our friends whether it is daily or not, we know they are there for us when we need them.

I know I have friends that I haven’t seen in ages, but if I pick up a phone or send them a message they will be there ready to listen my problems. Sometimes that is all we need, just someone there. I know many of you out there, can probably handle your issues all your own, but for everyone there comes a point when we just need someone else. I hope to everyone who reads this, you have that person or people who you know will be there when you need them.

Even the strongest of us will go through times that will test the very fiber of our beings, and those times are made easier if we have someone who is there to share the load with us. Whether it is a spouse, sibling, friend, or whoever it may be it helps to have someone just be there for us. For those of you who think you can handle anything on your own, I envy you, and I used to consider myself in the same light. It is true each person goes through their own struggles; it isn’t ours to judge who has it worse. Obviously those who are dealing with extreme sickness or injury will probably feel they have a worse situation than someone who has lost a job, but that is the concept of what I am talking about. No one wants to face either issue alone, and no one should face these obstacles alone. From time to time we all need someone there, just so we know they are.

I’ll conclude with this, it doesn’t make any of us less of person to want to have someone there for us. We all need someone there from time to time even if it is only to hear us voice our frustration and pain. We shouldn’t fear that we are burdening someone with our problems, because we are all in this life together. Be there for someone people, you never know when just listening or the simplest of help may make a world of difference to someone who really needs it. You also never know, when you may need someone to be there for you. In the end I think we all want the best for everyone, and we can help each other achieve that. Let’s start helping and being there for each other, after all I think we all long to ultimately just have someone there or to share it with. What does it matter if we gain all the successes we can if we have no one to share it with? That my friends is what life is about human interaction, the experiences, the people, the emotions, not the material. I hope you all have someone to be there.

 

With Love

Coty Myers

 

The 3 main Wonder Years characters then and now.

The 3 main Wonder Years characters then and now.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Uncategorized

Perfectly Imperfect

real perfect

Perfectly Imperfect

What is perfect? Webster defines perfect in similar ways. 1) Having no mistakes or flaws. 2) Completely correct or accurate. or 3) Having all the qualities you want in a person, situation, etc. It is safe to say most would consider definition #1 as the most commonly thought of definition for perfect. Flawless is what I most commonly associate with perfect. When dealing with human relationships do we truly believe there will be no mistakes or that everything will be perfect? The short answer is a simple no.

Let us then take a look at the third definition: “having all the qualities you want in a person, situation, etc.” This is the basis for our “perfect” friend, significant other, co-worker, any person we interact with. Don’t let the label of perfect throw you off or make you try to live up to being flawless. We are all human, and we can only live our lives the best way we know how. That brings the real question, is anyone perfect? Think most rational people will tell you no, and I am in agreement that no individual person is perfect. Continuing that train of thought, that would in turn mean our relationships whether they be professional, platonic, or romantic will also not be perfect.

However, we often hear people say, “oh but he is perfect for you,” “she is perfect,” or “you are absolutely perfect.” Does this mean these people who say things like this have lost their common sense? No it doesn’t. When we tell someone they are perfect we are not implying the person is without flaw, it simply means that we decided we believe our friend, fiancé, spouse, whoever is everything we are looking for in that relationship even with their imperfections.

I think too often someone is told they are perfect by another and they then freeze up. The “perfect person” then manifests in their thoughts they will never live up to this expectation. Beyond that they also try to distance themselves from the person who thinks of them as perfect. If you are guilty of this, some advice, don’t run. The person who thinks you’re perfect for just who you are. You may hate the way you pronounce a word, but your person may find that one of your most endearing qualities. Maybe they know you always run late and just make it part of who you are and come to love that quirk about you. The things you may hate most about yourself the person who thinks you are perfect may love the most.

My next question for you my friends; is it fair to hold someone up to a higher standard or expectation because you think they are “perfect.” That answer isn’t so obvious. Like too many things in life it isn’t so black and white, but shades of gray. People will always let us down even those closest to us. However, nothing brings us more joy than those very same people. I have been guilty of ‘expecting’ too much of others in the past. At the same time all I truly ask for is honesty. When people try to avoid a situation or push something down the road, I cannot accept that. There is a precarious balance we must manage. We want those closest to us to be the best versions of themselves, but we can’t expect them to supply our entire world and happiness. As long as both people are communicating and supporting each other there isn’t much more we ask for. Yet we long for more, and expect someone else to be perfect and make up for our own imperfections. This is not fair, not at all.

If we are looking for someone who is “perfect”, we need to understand what that actually means in context of human relationships. Someone who is perfect for us, does not mean they our without fault, but rather they complete us. Together between the two people the imperfections each has balances out, and we find our perfect compliment. Maybe you are too structured and feel like you miss out on life, your perfect person may be one who completely blows off structure and gets you to be spontaneous. Between the two of you get to experience life, and they become a little more responsible making for a perfect balance. Maybe you in fact don’t even change each other, but just offer great compliments to each other, the thing about being perfect for someone, is that much like beauty it is in the eye of the beholder.

Like anything in life that we want or need, interpersonal relationships require effort and work. Nothing in life is going to be perfect, but it takes two people working toward a common goal to make a perfect relationship. It doesn’t even have to be a romantic one, it could be a perfect relationship between father and son, or co-workers, or friends. It won’t be easy, but remember there is a reason we want those people around, especially when we know they are perfect for us. We are entitled to make mistakes, but it is also our responsibility to learn and grow from those same mistakes. We will never be perfect, but we can work to be the best versions of ourselves. It is a constant work, learning and self-improving every day.

That also brings full circle to this concept of perfect. At the end of the day, someone out there is ready to embrace you for exactly who you are. It doesn’t mean you are a flawless person, but for that person or persons you are perfect exactly how you are. Embrace who you are, work every day to become improve and become a better person. If you don’t have your perfect person yet, they are out there just waiting for you. So continue being you; laugh that annoying life, smile at the most inappropriate times, be the grammar police, someone is looking for you just as you are. The thing we need to realize is we are exactly who we are meant to be. We may change through different events and times in our lives, but for better or worse this is who we are. Just because you feel you have given your all to others in the past, don’t let that hold your future back, be you with everything you have. It is the loss of those who couldn’t accept you as you are and you’re your fault. Let go and be your perfect you.

And I realize even for myself that I am perfectly imperfect just as I am, as we all should.

 

Dare to be perfect my friends,

M. Coty Myers

 

imperfect

1 Comment

Filed under Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

…To Fail and a Reintroduction

“…To Fail and a reintroduction”

To fail conjures thoughts and emotions that would usually be negative. Even I cannot argue that point. What if I told you there are times when not failing is even worse than actually failing? You would probably ask me how that was possible or flatly not believe me. Let me explain this phenomenon by first focusing on the title of this, just the beginning. To fail, is only half a thought, the full thought is “too afraid to fail.”

Let’s take a moment to really think about that. Too afraid to fail.. Have you ever been so afraid to try anything that you didn’t even attempt to make it happen or give any real effort at all? If we do a pro-con analysis there would actually be a few pros for this. You never actually fail at anything and therefore never experience the disappointment and pain that failure brings. However, there are quite a few more cons than those 2 pros.

First you would never challenge yourself to see what you’re made of and what are truly capable of. Next even though you would never fail, would you ever really succeed at anything? By not doing or attempting anything you would achieve anything then where you are currently are. A few of you may be ok with this, but for the majority of us there are still milestones we want to achieve or new goals to meet.

Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100 % of the shots don’t take.” That quote actually measures my opinion of not giving an effort very closely. We can continue with more cons. You would probably never have any self-improvement or change. You would probably never learn anything new both of yourself or general knowledge.

Some of the biggest lessons learned by the most successful of us have risen from the ashes of our failures. Michael Jordan was cut from his varsity basketball team his freshman year, a widely known story of the GOAT. Many authors were near broke or broke before their big breaks. There are countless stories of those that took years to achieve success and had to endure endless failures to finally find the sweet taste of success.

Our final con let me begin with a question for you. Can you truly enjoy the feelings and emotions of success if you never failed? If you have never experienced any hardship, sadness, failure, etc, I wish I were you. In all seriousness maybe you could experience the pure satisfaction of success, but I believe to truly appreciate and feel success you need to experience failure. Knowing what it is like at the bottom helps you realize just how hard it is to succeed and allows us to understand just how important it is for us to succeed.

Which brings us full circle to being too afraid to fail, after that analysis are you still going to play it safe on the sidelines or check into this game of life and go for broke? Am I telling you that you are going to succeed the first time or often even if you give it your all? Absolutely not. In reality you will probably fail more often then you will succeed. Then why even try? If no one tries there will be nothing. No new babies, no medical breakthroughs, no new music; nothing only what we have already, and that sounds like a terrible world to live in.

You see my friends as bad as failing is; there is a beautiful aspect to failing. Failing especially when you give your all, your whole heart will feel like death. But you know what? You didn’t die, you gave it all up only for it to not be enough, and you’re still rising. No I’m not even saying standing, sometimes it will knock you fully down, you may have to climb to even get back to your knees, and then work your way back up to stand and face the world again. Don’t forget though, you took it; you took the world’s best shot and got back up. Failing shows us exactly what we are made and just how resilient are bodies and souls can be. Failing allows us to become stronger and brace for the next fight. Eventually through all the bumps and bruises we will breakthrough and find our success.

I won’t lie to you it won’t be easy, and I am just as guilty as anyone, if not the most guilty of all. I have been too afraid to try in relationships, my professional life, friendships, hobbies, writing; name it I have been far too afraid to even try, or if I did “give an effort” it was in word only or I intentionally sabotaged myself. Whether it is waiting too long to tell someone how I feel or using my pursuit of perfection to hinder my writing, I have been the worst at not living life to its fullest. I am trying to fix this with myself, and I encourage all of you reading this to do the same. The first way to break out of my isolation and box I have put myself in, is by starting to write again. This piece is only 1 day short of a full year since my last post. I am going to do my best to produce more pieces and on a regular basis, I want you all to hold me accountable, and make me deliver.

That brings us to the second half of the title of this piece, “and a reintroduction.” In the famous words of Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z, “Allow me to re-introduce myself.” For those of you unfamiliar with me, I am Coty Myers, an aspiring writer. I have failed at even writing this post since it came to me two weeks ago. But in that failure I found the inspiration to begin again. I have several pieces that have been stuck in my head for nearly a year, and I intend to write them now. They won’t be perfect, they may even be downright awful, but that is thing about writing, you just have to write. I also have started work on my first book, “Confession of a Dying Twenty-Something.”

Progress on the book is slow, but I am hoping reviving this blog will allow my creativeness to begin flowing again. I ask you to please continue to support me, and pressure me to continue to produce pieces you enjoy reading, so feel free to provide me with subjects you’d like to see me write about. Enough self promoting, and back to this topic to wrap us up for now.

I am going to fail daily, but I am going to do my best to dust myself off and try again, in whatever it may be. I implore you to do the same. Failure is just a part of success, and we all need to give effort every day. I will leave you with someone who saw the deepest failures, but even higher success, Steve Jobs.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

 

Never be too afraid to try,

M. Coty Myers

 

A quote about failure from the GOAT, Michael Jordan.

A quote about failure from the GOAT, Michael Jordan.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships, Uncategorized

Be Your Own Light

Be Your Own Light

 

When I get in the mood to write, I will often solicit my friends for ideas. That’s the weird thing for me, I want to write often, but I just often can’t think of anything to write about. Well luckily my friend Dani saved me tonight. She said I should write about how amazing everything is. That when we see the stars at the end of the visible universe it’s light from the time of dinosaurs, from the beginning of time and how awesome is that? I should write about just how in awe we should all be in by the amazingness that that everything is. You know what? Dani was right. Often I write about subjects that could be taken as sad or problem oriented. Not that I will totally deviate from that, but we, and more than anyone, need to just simply be amazed by this beautiful LIFE we have been given.

Science does in fact tell us that light given off by the oldest stars are from thousands if not millions of years ago. In fact many of the stars we are visibly seeing, no longer exist, but we are still seeing the light they shined so many years ago. Let that sink in, something we all take for granted seeing stars at night have such powerful and lasting power that we see them even after they are dead and burned their last light. I have had always had a love affair with stars and space, not a torrid one, but a familiar one that I like to pick up now and then. Like most young boys there were times I wanted to be an astronaut. How amazing would it be to look down from space and see this planet that has given us all so many memories? I never put any serious thought into being an astronaut or trying to work for NASA as an adult, but there are nights while driving I simply pull over and admire the stars above me. Even if you aren’t religious you have to believe something great helped bring the universe into existence. There is just something breathtaking that lets you escape even if just for a second while your mind is dancing among the stars.

Can we not as individuals try to live our life like the stars? I’m not saying we all have to do memorable things the people of the world will remember for as long as there is history. However, can we not try to be a positive impact to not only others but ourselves? You hear all the time, I knew so and so’s great grandpa, good man. Others will remember and keep our legacies alive for generations. We should try and live a life that shines as bright as the stars we gaze upon. People tend to remember negative experiences and attitudes more frequently than the positive. What we should strive to do every day is be a positive light to everyone we encounter. Not only will the world be a nicer place, but also a brighter one, ha. Couldn’t resist the pun.

In all reality though, this precious imperfect gift we’ve been given is life. Life is measured in time, and our time is not promised. Tomorrow or an hour from now could be the last time we draw a breath. Are you going to leave behind a light or black hole? Not everything is going to be perfect or work out the way we planned. Yet we need to look at all we gained along the way. If we only measure our successes or happiness by material we are going to miss out on the important and more lasting forms of happiness. What we remember the most are the experiences and emotions we share with those around us. It isn’t that we spent 5 nights in a 5 star hotel; it’s that we spent 5 nights on a beautiful beach with the ones we love. We remember the light that others shown on us through the years. There is a quote, “Life isn’t measured by the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.” That is true, and material items won’t take our breath away. For most of us the moments that will take our breaths are memories connected by an emotion. Hearing your baby’s heart beat for the first time, your wedding day, getting that call that you will never see a dear friend again, all huge moments that we remember. We don’t remember them because we got the call on the newest iphone or because our wedding cost 20 thousand dollars. No, we remember these moments for the feelings that hit us as we went through them. We should be inspired daily by major events like these or even the little moments where we find a perfect flower on a stroll. We need to live for today.

There are going to be times we struggle and are down. We will look around for that light, something to reach out for, or to guide us back into the positive. We will not always be able to find it. In those moments you have a choice. You can be like the stars that have died and burned themselves out into a black hole, or you can choose to fight. Create that spark, just a flicker of light. You have to work to protect the slight flame and let it grow. There will be obstacles on the way, so many events and people that will try to extinguish the flame you are guarding. You cannot give in though, you have to be the light you are looking for. You have to fight with every ounce of energy you have left to keep being that light. You never know there may be other lost dark souls and you are the only light they have to look to. When your night is the darkest, be your own light.

We need to remember that everything is truly amazing. Even the bad moments, we encounter such unbelievable circumstances for many of the worst moments we endure. Think about how far mankind has come in just a short timeframe. Amazing unbelievable moments and accomplishments are happening around us all the time. We need to embrace the awesome that is life, and enjoy the time we have been given. It’s not going to always be pretty and fun, but we have to remember the light we have the ability to shine for just not ourselves, but others. Let’s truly appreciate everything this life has to offer; the taste of chocolate, the stars at night, an old hoodie that reminds of the friends we had years ago. We have to soak in the little moments, the memories, the emotions, because we truly don’t have time to waste. Let your light shine bright, let it burn long, and let nothing extinguish the flame within you.

 

Remember, Be Your Own Light

Coty Myers

stars

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Uncategorized

Soul Mates

Soul Mates

Webster’s defines a soul mate in two ways . 1) A close friend who completely understands you and 2) A person who has the same beliefs and opinions as another person. 

I introduce these definitions to you to take a possibly unconventional look at what most of us may define soul mates as. Special thanks to Rebecca (Pooh) Gray for helping bring this idea to me. When jokingly saying Pooh and I were soul mates, because of our nearly always being of the same opinions, she said something so profound it nearly knocked my socks off.  (At the time we were soul mates because I had just found out we wanted the same candy, Peanut Butter M & M’s.) Pooh says, “I believe there are many soul mates for each and every one. A soul is too complex to only have one.” After a short discussion she threw another gem out there, “And once a soul mate doesn’t mean always a soul mate.” Mind equals blown at this point. 

Why was my mind blown though? My traditional thoughts on a soul mate are probably similar to the majority of you reading this. A soul mate is the love of your life, that forever person from now until infinity. Then I started thinking, maybe my friend has a valid point here. Then I looked up Webster’s definition. If you look at the second definition my friend and I are definitely soul mates. However, I am one that says if you never change your mind or opinion on a belief, then you aren’t truly thinking. What does that mean, if I or someone else changes our belief system or some of the bonding opinions we shared with another? Then my dear friend Pooh is correct someone who was once my soul mate no longer has that connection. I am not advocating for kicking this person out of your life forever, but we have all been there. That best friend we had when were 8 is probably still not your best friend at 48. If it is that is truly amazing. I’m not even factoring in marriage here, just true friends. We have all lost that friend or friends that used to be “our person” that we went to for everything, or that group of friends that had nearly all the same beliefs. These are all types of soul mates. Some soul mates just happened to both come into and out of our lives at different times.

The first definition, a close friend who completely understands you. Don’t we all need at least one person who completely understand us, or close to completely. There is nothing like having someone or a couple of people you can turn to that knows your emotions, likes, dislikes, your hopes and dreams, and your reactions. There is just something reassuring know that someone just gets you. That person at just a glimpse of you, reads you like a book instantly. That person who can see through your walls and fake smiles, they see straight through to your soul. Whether your soul is filled with happiness or hurt, they are there to reassure you and pick you back up.

However, when most of think of soul mates we think of someone who is there forever and never leave us. If this is our true definition, only our parents and older relatives would really be our soul mates, and we wouldn’t be theirs. There are very few people who are there from birth. That is a crazy example, but you see my point. Maybe you do meet a best friend on your first day of kindergarten and you spend the rest of your lives being there for each other, which is great. Most of us however, won’t carry those friendships through all the years. We will find those as we find ourselves that are there for us and us them, regardless of the circumstances. They may fade with time, or they may be tethered to us no matter the distance and time we go without speaking to seeing them. The crazy thing about soul mates is no one is the same, nor are we represent the exact thing to any two people. We may the keeper of secrets for one friend, or the shoulder to cry on for another. Whatever it is we need to remember to be the best person we can be to the ones closest to us. Too often we only see people for what they can do for us, instead we should be asking what we can do for them. If we all spent more time building others the world would be a better place, and the people of it kinder.

Let’s look at soul mates through the traditional definition in terms of relationships. When I think of my idea of a soul mate, I think of someone not that I can’t live without, but something more. Someone I want to be around. I want my soul mate to be a confidant, someone who shares my sense of humor, someone I would call a best friend. Does that mean we have to agree on everything or have the same opinion on all subjects? Of course not, it’s good to be challenged by the one’s closest to us, and make us reassess where we stand. At the end of the day though, I want someone who can comfort me even when I appear fine, someone to laugh at me when I mess up and with me when I’m be silly. More than that, I want to be that person for my soul mate. Does this mean if we have soul mate that develops from a relationship they will be the one we spend the rest of our life with? Absolutely not. Just because a relationship doesn’t last, doesn’t mean the person meant any less to us, they just weren’t meant to be there forever. When we someone who we believe is that person for us, our soul mate, we need to remember certain things. We need to remember it isn’t always going to be easy, regardless of what others may tell us. Love requires hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. Most of us want that, no, we need that love, and we will find if we truly try to make it work, it is ultimately worth it.

So remember friends, soul mates aren’t reserved for a lifetime. They are gifts from God to help us at different points in our lives. There are those both friend and romantic loves that will be our soul mates at different times. Remember it takes work to keep those relationships and we need them, but more importantly maybe they need us more. Hopefully you all have a soul mate when you need them the most, and work to be one for the ones closest to you when they need one.

With Love

M. Coty Myers

Soulmate

Soulmate1

1 Comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships

Scars

Scars

 

Scars, I am sure most of us have scars that dot our bodies, I know I do. I have one on my right thigh that has almost all but disappeared from a bicycle crash I had when I was 9 or 10 years old. There is a somewhat visible scar on my chin from yet another bicycle wreck around the same age. Then there is a scar that you probably wouldn’t notice, but I can see every time I look at my right knee. It’s from ACL reconstructive surgery I had in January 2010; I can’t believe it has been that long, since that surgery. Much like physical scars, most of us also have emotional scars. Seeing the girl in the blue prom dress coming down her stairs, and wondering why I hadn’t asked her still has its scar on me. Similarities between the two cannot be denied. I’ll introduce different ideas with some quotes.

“Sometimes it’s the scars that remind you that you survived. Sometimes the scars tell you that you have healed”- Ashley D. Walls
Our physical scars remind us nearly every day of some event, or injury that we endured. The sight of a scar can conjure all the pain we felt when the injury occurred. The injuries with time however heal, and when the scars form we are reminded of our healing. With even more time the scars often begin to fade, some of the deeper scars will remain with us for the rest of our lives. When I look down and see the scar on my right knee, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come since that surgery. Even when I make a step from time to time, and my knee gives out, that scar reminds me that I’m much better than I was. I’m still getting better all the time.

There are those other scars however, the emotional and mental scars. These aren’t visible on the outside, yet so often take longer to heal than their physical counterparts. Something about memories that haunt you forever or leaves that impression for our lifetimes’ are often the things that hurt us the most. No one’s emotional scars are necessarily greater than the next person’s, but we all have scars we bare. Much like the physical scars some people recover from the emotional wounds quicker, and some are slower to heal. All we can do is move on and let time mend our hearts like it does our scars.

There are those deep emotional scars that feel like they cut us like a knife; losing your best friend before their time, standing in the back of a church when your first love walks down the aisle to marry another man, or maybe being betrayed by the person you thought would always be there. The pain of these scars feel worse than any of the physical scars that cross our bodies, yet to most they will never be seen. Is it fair that our deepest scars are the scars people can’t see? Or is it better, because those scars are often so deep, strangers would just stare.

“But not all scars showed did they?”- Eileen Wilks
Like the physical scars our emotional scars start to fade with time though. Much like rubbing an old scar on your arm and smiling thinking about the crazy bike crash that caused it; our emotional scars remind us of what we have survived. It’s not all bad, and it’s definitely not all good. It’s a mixed bag. So when you sip that drink at you and your ex’s old spot eventually a smile will crease your face instead of the tear that used to trace your cheek. Maybe she broke your heart, but the burning flame of that heated romance makes you forever remember her. You could spend the rest of your time searching for that same feeling, or you could just smile at the memory and look for something new.

You see ladies and gentlemen whether our scars be physical or emotional we will always have the memories and stories that go with them. The stories, our memories are often better because of the scars. Those scars remind us something significant transpired, and leave those unforgettable moments in our minds. That scar on my chin from the bike wreck? Yeah it hurt and I thought I was seriously hurt, but I don’t know if I would take it back. Those fleeting seconds of steaming down that hill full speed on that bike, I’ll never forget that feeling, and that was over 20 years ago now. I’m sure my cousins Dave and Jennifer from Indiana may never forget my reaction after either, through tears and hysterical crying, I yelled, “Call 911!” Ha, but just my mom putting pressure on it made the bleeding stop eventually. The next day it didn’t even really hurt, and when I went back to school that August I had a cool scar from a bike wreck.

“Our scars make us who we are. Some scars are just deeper than others.”- Alex Rosa
Much like those stories of our physical scars, our emotional ones take us back to times that may not have ended the best, but we wouldn’t trade for anything. Would you take back years of friendship, just because your best friend eventually just lost touch? There is a quote from Dr. Seuss that can be applied to the memories of our scars, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Don’t get me wrong I understand there are some scars both physical and emotional that we wish we didn’t remember or have to endure, but they serve as reminders of what we can survive, and how far we have come.

I will leave you with this; can we truly enjoy the happy without knowing the pain? I don’t wish pain on anyone, but knowing pain helps us truly recognize and enjoy the good. Our wounds and injuries eventually begin to heal, we may not even notice at first, but change will come. The injuries and pain eventually heal and are replaced by scars that remind us of the battles we fought and the heartbreaks we suffered. Again, all we can do is move on and let time mend our hearts as it does our scars.

“Change, like healing, takes time.”- Veronica Roth

With Love,

M. Coty Myers

 

scar quote

Post Knee Surgery

Post Knee Surgery 2010

My knee now

My knee now 2015

Leave a comment

Filed under Health & Wellness, Relationships

Validation

Validation

Webster’s defines validate as, “to recognize, establish, or illustrate worthiness or legitimacy.” What does this mean to us as individuals? We often seek validation for a job done well, going above and beyond, or just a simple validation of something we said being proven right. More often than not we seek validation of our emotional needs or feelings. It could be validating a friendship, love for an estranged relative, or romantic feelings for a significant other. Whatever the situation may be, professional or personal, I would venture to say we all stress over or seek validation at some point in our lives.

To keep my “How I Met Your Mother” thread alive, there is an episode that talks about validating one’s self. The episode guest stars Carrie Underwood as a girl who keeps Ted around just to make herself desired, and needed. Or in another phrasing she wanted Ted around to be Validation Man. What is Validation Man you ask? Validation Man is a guy a woman keeps around to make herself feel desired, and to be a stand-in boyfriend without actually being with said man. The group continues to discuss and try to convince Ted that she keeps him on her ‘hook’ with no intention of ever being with him romantically. They all begin to realize they each have someone on their own hooks. As they continue to discuss they nearly all have the same line that keeps these people on their hooks, “not right now.”

I give you this information, because I want you to look at and reflect on yourself. Are you on anyone’s hook, better yet do you have someone on your hook? I’ll answer for myself. I am on someone’s hook. It is odd realizing this, and all I can do is to work to remove myself and move on. Now as for having someone on my hook, I do not believe I have anyone on my hook. If you read this, and I have you on the hook, no hard feelings, feel free to let yourself go.

I think the majority of us look for and long for validation from others. It is a natural emotion to be wanted and to feel needed. Some of us spend years looking for that other heart that makes our own whole. While I understand the want and desire to find that, we do not need to be validated by anyone, but ourselves. It will take some soul searching, but when we reach this conclusion we will have much less worry and stress to deal with.

Here is the thing about validation, why do we feel the need to have someone accept us? If I could answer this, I would probably be making plenty of money with my advice. As it stands, I am not being paid to write these blogs or dispense what I consider to be some solid insight. I believe it comes down to a natural desire to feel a part of something other than ourselves. Whether it be in a relationship or a friendship we need that connection to other souls. We need to remember though there is wrong that can come from this.

What do I mean by this? We don’t need to keep people on our hooks just to make ourselves feel wanted. Coming to the realization that you may be on someone’s hook is not the most delightful feeling. What I realized is I am always going to be second best. There isn’t anything I can do, that I haven’t already tried, to change this person’s mind. Being the backup plan get’s old, so I must finish wasting my time, and start moving forward. I hope you can do the same.

I’m not sure everyone who does this is the same, some may do it just purely for personal satisfaction, and some may think they are saving the other person’s feelings. In reality you are prolonging the inevitable. The longer you keep someone around who thinks more will come from the situation, the more damage you do to that person. You may be ok with this, but if you do enjoy this person on some level, you run the risk of losing them forever.

We can’t help how we feel. I understand that, but we can control how we treat others. If you know or suspect you have someone on the hook, you should clarify the situation and let them off the hook. If you are wondering how you know your feelings are legitimate or not, I’ll reference Ted Mosby one last time. When he is questioned what would make him search high and low for a locket that belonged to Robin, he gives one of the most heartfelt and for me relatable monologues of the entire series. “Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is.”

If you feel like that about anything, a person, your work, family, a hobby you know your feelings are legitimate.  That is not to say you have to be this head over heels to have true feelings, but if you do, you should never question that what you feel is or was real. The caveat? Ted doesn’t immediately end up with Robin, the woman he felt that way about. Sometimes we have to realize that our feelings won’t be validated by anyone but ourselves. It is then that we have to decide whether or not it is time to walk away. We often think if we give up our feelings were never real. I am here to tell you this isn’t true. Sometimes we have to walk away, because simply some things aren’t meant to be. You’ll be happier in the long run if you do; after all Ted fell in love with the mother not too long after this speech about Robin.

To bring it back full circle you don’t need to wait an eternity on someone, and be their plan B. I myself am done being Validation Man. I don’t care to be a friend and help someone through a rough time, but I will no longer play the role of a temporary fill-in boyfriend, friend, whatever the situation calls for. I am worth more, and so are you. Remember we deserve to be someone’s priority not their last resort.

 

With Love

M. Coty Myers

validate

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships

Inspiration: Kelly

Inspiration

 

My Inspiration

Inspiration can come from anywhere. It can be divine intervention, a teacher who touches your heart, a song lyric, inspiration can come from anywhere. Most spiritual people will say inspiration is Heaven sent or something to that effect. I couldn’t agree more, and we all receive inspiration at different times from many different things. I want to take some time tonight, to talk about one of the, if not the biggest inspiration of my life thus far. Mine was a young woman who embodied what it meant to live, to fight, and to give love freely.

Kelly Harty, I only knew a fraction of the time I have spent on this Earth, but since she won her fight and traveled home, not a day goes by when she doesn’t come to mind. I met Kelly before she even knew who I was. I was at EKU working for Campus Rec when Kelly and 2 of her sorority sisters walked into one of our gyms. I scanned her student ID, and made it a point to remember her name. While watching that small gym while her and her sisters were in there, I couldn’t help but notice her infectious smile and how she had so much joy. I asked a friend who was also a Chi Omega, about her. My friend got back to me and let me know she was freshman, and other information. I never saw Kelly again, until to my surprise we hired her at Campus Rec. Kelly was always quick to make me smile or challenge wits, and just make mine or anyone’s day better.

Fast forward and it’s spring semester and Kelly has a spot removed from her knee, says it’s no big deal. Kelly went home to New Jersey that summer, and I was giddy for her return when we returned in August for staff training. Kelly was noticeably absent one morning and I talked to Beth Keith, who told me what Kelly had found out the day before. Kelly had learned of her diagnosis. My heart sank, and I have often wondered how she must have felt in that moment. I don’t know, but the next time I saw her you would have never known anything was wrong. I saw her jeep outside the gym and made a mad dash inside. Without really looking I ran into Beth’s office and said, “IS KELLY, OH KELLY IT IS YOU!” I was so excited she might be there in haste I didn’t check my surroundings to see she was right there. It was a funny moment.

Kelly’s prognosis wasn’t the best to put it mildly, but she was determined to kick cancer’s butt, and man did she. She never wavered, I don’t think she ever doubted even for a moment she would win this battle, and just saw it as another obstacle to overcome. She had to make trips to hospitals all over, and she stayed in school, and kept working, it was mind blowing what this young woman could do. Nothing could slow her down; much less stop her from achieving her goals. She finished her degree and graduated on time. This was a real wake up for me.

The first time I saw Kelly, I was in what I would later coin as my first senior year. I stayed at EKU for another 4 years, and had yet to graduate. I moved back to my home in January 2011 feeling defeated from not completing my degree. Things in life seem so small compared to others. I still spoke to Kelly on facebook, an occasional text, or when I randomly popped up at my old home the Campus Rec gym. I missed many folks from Campus Rec, but the one I missed the most was Kelly. We just clicked, and I’ve come to learn, it wasn’t a special thing for just me. It was special, because that’s who Kelly was. Everyone who met and got to know Kelly say the same things, it was like a sister or best friend they had all their life’s except they had only known her a month, or whatever short amount of time it was. That’s just who Kelly was, she loved everyone with all her heart. One of my biggest regrets was not making more of an effort to stay close with Kelly the last year or so, we can’t go back in life, and I use it as a reminder to tell the one’s closest to me how much they mean to me.

I returned to the academic life in the Fall 2012 semester, and I was still not the best student. January 4th came, and I wished Kelly a Happy Birthday, I saw her status on facebook in February about watching the Oscar’s. Then I was preparing to go see George Strait on Saturday March 2nd 2013. My phone rings, and it’s from my old boss Beth. I answer, and Beth is crying, I was trying to console her, and I didn’t even know what for, and then Beth said I wanted to call and tell you, Kelly isn’t with us anymore. I don’t know if I had ever felt emptier before or since. I have lost distant relatives, acquaintances and old friends I had nearly lost complete contact with, but I just couldn’t believe it with Kelly. Kelly the fighter, I knew she was going to win and be with us forever. She was the first person I was truly close to, to leave us, and so it was a new experience.

As much as my heart ached, I couldn’t really believe it. I was unable to make it to the memorial service they had in Richmond with her Chi Omega’s sisters and her beloved KA Boys. Then one night in April, I listened to “Forever Young” sang by Joan Baez, and I sobbed like a young child, but it was a good moment. Now I listen to that song 2 or 3 times a week and smile, I will always remember Kelly and I will always associate that song with her.

Back to inspiration though, Kelly inspired everyone she ever met. It seemed people all over the country and world were touched somehow by this young woman so full of life and love. At the end of spring semester in May 2013 there was a Celebration of Life ceremony for Kelly on campus. I was able to make it. I saw all my old friends and bosses from campus rec, and I felt almost whole again. Kelly brought me back to the people who had become my second family for many years. When we entered the auditorium, although it was somber, it was also refreshing. With all the pictures and stories, I fully felt Kelly was there with us and my heart was full once again. At the end of the ceremony there was plaque dedicated to Kelly on the recreation fields. A great spot for the girl who loved to have fun and enjoyed cheering on her Chi O’s and KA’s on the fields.

Several of us went to catch up and celebrate Kelly after the ceremony that night, May 5, Cinco de Mayo! We were in the mood for Mexican, so it was a long wait, but it was good to catch up. One of my old bosses, Mark Howard, asked me how everything was going, and I told him I was attending school again, and was going to graduate in December. He asked me what had made me go back and graduate, and I just smiled. I said, “The reason was today Mark. Kelly inspired me to go back and finish. If she can graduate with all she endured, I have nothing holding me back, besides myself.” Mark said very cool man, I’m happy for you.

A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of Kelly, I keep a picture from her celebration service in my room to see every day. I don’t really need it, I can still close my eyes and see her, and I hope I always can. Words cannot always do someone justice and are never enough. However in the summer of 2014, Stuart Scott at the ESPY’s said some words that could not more perfectly fit Kelly’s fight. He said, “When you die, that does not mean you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live. So live, live, fight like hell. And when you get too tired, lie down, rest and let someone else fight for you.”

I try to live my life the best that I can, and I want to achieve so many things, because that is what Kelly would want. I want to live a great life, because Kelly lived the fullest life anyone could in 23 years, and she exemplified what it means to live, to fight, and to love with everything we have inside of us. Synovial Cell Sarcoma, is not a widely known form of cancer, but Kelly raised its profile tremendously. If you read this take a moment and donate to the research fund, find an article about it and share, we need to continue to raise awareness.

Anyone who says that when you leave this Earth that you lose never met Kelly. Kelly kicked cancer’s butt, and kicked it hard. She WON! She is just continuing the battle from her Heavenly home now. We will fight for you on Earth now Kelly. So here is to my inspiration a true Southern Belle, from New Jersey, I miss and love you more every day, and I hope you stay forever young.

With Love

M. Coty Myers

in my heart 1

Kelly & I

Kelly Cheering on her KA’s

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships, Uncategorized

Love is the best thing we do

Love is the best thing we do.

 

There are movies, songs, books, television shows, that will at times touch us all. As crazy as it may seem that fictional characters and events can move us emotionally, they do. I think much of this can be credited to many people, myself included, immersing themselves into the story. We connect with the characters, and often see some of ourselves and others we know in the characters. Even comedies can move us emotionally. If you have read my previous work, you know I had a piece inspired by “The Wonder Years” and this piece was inspired in large part by the recently finished “How I Met Your Mother.”

To give you a quick synopsis of the show. Ted Mosby the main character played by Josh Radnor is telling the story  to his two children, of How he met their mother, and recounts the events leading up to it. The main characters are his group of friends. Marshall his roommate in college and his girlfriend Lily; Barney a guy he meets at the bar who wants to teach him how to live; and finally Robin, a girl he see’s across the room at the bar and falls for that joins their group. Alright now eventually Robin and Barney are going to be wed, and when he is recalling near the end of the episode the lesson he learned from this he, leaves his kids with this quote. “Here’s the secret kids. None of us can vow to be perfect. In the end all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we’ve got. Because love’s the best thing we do.”

Can anyone disagree that love is the best thing we do? Nearly any action that is positive we will ever perform for someone else, is at its core love. Giving away your last dollar to someone who is hungry, sure it’s selfless, but it’s also love. Love for your fellow man. Laying your life on the line to save your children, wife, whoever, LOVE. Gathering with  a group of friends to catch up and remember the past, love. Promising to forsake all others, staying true in sickness and in health, doing whatever it takes to work on your relationship and never giving up, LOVE. LOVE is and will always be the greatest thing we can do as an individual. I’m not just talking about sappy, romantic, relationship love. But love your neighbor, love of your friend, love of your children, parents, the drive-thru attendant who always smiles, whoever, just love.

I think as humans 99.99% of us seek nothing more than to be loved. What is important to remember, as we seek love, we must also remember to give love. We need to give love and we need to give it unconditionally. If we wait only to love people who earn it, we will be waiting a long time usually. We are humans, and as humans we will fail, and we will disappoint. That’s the great thing about love though. Although we will feel hurt and the disappointment in others we will still love. The only way to move forward and live life is with the help and love of one another.

Friends remember we all have only one life to live, so we need to live it well. We all share this small rock called Earth, and we need to help and love one another to get through it. When it comes to sharing our life and love with others remember to both give and receive love unconditionally and without limits. It may sound odd, but tell your friends you love them the next time you see them. Tell your co-workers you love them, find your childhood friends and tell them you still love them. You never know when you will get the last chance to tell someone you love them.

When it comes to giving all of our hearts to that special someone, be not afraid. Your heart, it may break, you may be let down or disappointed, but nothing will trump the feeling of having that love returned. So if a silly little show can bring this out of me with just this quote, what would showing love everyday bring out of all of us. This one is for you Ted Evelyn Mosby “Because love’s the best thing we do.”

 

Much Love
M. Coty Myers

The cast of How I Met Your Mother

The cast of How I Met Your Mother

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships

Rejection

Rejection

 

With the start of a new year we have much to look back on and reflect about, and probably even more to ponder on for the future. I have some unfortunate news for us all. Something we will need to anticipate and work to overcome, and that reality is Rejection. Don’t be disheartened to learn that rejection is a part of life; it’s something I think we should all be aware of. Some will say not to consider rejection, because you are setting yourself up for that rejection, I disagree. If we are aware that it is possible to fail, and there a repercussions for these failures, we may find ways to circumvent the rejection, ways to fight off the rejection, or ultimately accept rejection.

Let’s look at it. Talk to anyone, and I would venture to say they have faced some form of rejection or failure. Some say you learn your big lessons from failure. I don’t know if I truly believe this, but I can definitely understand the theory. We find out what our resolve is when we’re told we aren’t good enough, our best isn’t cutting it, or that there is nothing more we can do. If you allow this to stop you, you are admitting defeat. We won’t win every fight, and not every battle is worth fighting for. What’s left is trying to figure out which ones are worth the fight; what are you most passionate about, what can’t you live without, what you would do everything twice for. When we figure out what these are then we can make the decision not to let anything stop us.

Many people who have had great successes have also had great rejections and failures. One of the largest grossing movies ever, “Forrest Gump”, took over 10 years to be made, because no one thought it would be successful. Sports fans are often reminded Michael Jordan did not make his varsity basketball team as freshmen in high school. Maybe you have faced your own rejection in life. Do you remember the taste of vinegar it left in your mouth? Let that fuel you to succeed in the future. Learn from the setbacks and struggles to make a stronger effort to achieve your goals.

Something else about the power of rejection, you have to have the power of rejection within yourself. You have to reject the fear of rejection from stopping you from your best effort. Some people allow themselves to not give all they got, because of fear that something might actually work. I have never understood this. I want to succeed in everything I do, and I want the best for all those around me, so don’t let fears of rejection stop you from truly trying.

We also have to reject the idea that we are not good enough. There will be circumstances and even worse people who will make us think we don’t have what it takes, or we are not worthy enough of being priority. We must also be able to reject those who don’t make us a priority. I know we all have many things going on in life, and every second of everyday cannot be dedicated to a single person. However, we all know when we are supremely more dedicated to a person or anything in our life. If an employer, friend, significant other, whoever wants to keep you on the hook, only you have the ability to remove yourself from the hook. All they are doing is rejecting you, and you have to overcome.

Sometimes failure or rejection is just a chance to move in a new direction. We all have a journey, and no one’s is going to be smooth sailing throughout. The point I’ve been trying to make is that rejection is going to hit us all. Rejection should not be a stopping point for us though, it should be the beginning. We need to face the tough challenges head on, and have the stamina to endure the time and struggles associated with them. There will be some who hold us back, and we have to be able to let them go. We also have to be there to help the ones’ who are there for us. All we have to get us through this life is each other, and that’s what it’s all about. Loving and helping each other.

I will have several more pieces coming in the next few days. At the risk of begging, please share these posts. I want to reach people, and would love for my readership to increase; I think it will be a great motivator for my continued writing.

 

Yours
M. Coty Myers

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Life/ Reflective, Relationships